Skills of Discernment - How Past Experiences Provide Clarity for Future Relationships

What Have Your Relationships Taught You to Discern?

Michael White, one of the founders of Narrative Therapy, wrote about Skills of Discernment we develop through our experiences. We all have forms of treatment that we stand for, and forms of treatment that we stand against.

Our relationships can teach us a lot about these distinctions. Perhaps a past relationship helped you recognize what care means to you. Maybe you learned that you need direct communication, tenderness, independence, consistency, or playfulness. And perhaps you became clearer about the ways you do not want to be treated.

These experiences can become a kind of relational knowledge. Instead of asking, “What went wrong in that relationship?” we can also ask: What did I become skilled at discerning because of those experiences?

Skills of discernment can be particularly helpful for people leaving relationships that have been characterized by abuse. You can read more about abuse in relationships here: https://www.kelseywilsontherapy.com/post/how-often-does-abuse-happen

White’s idea of discernment invites us to notice the distinctions we have developed over time. For instance,

• “Does this event fit with care or dismissal?”

• “Does this invite self-rejection or self-acceptance?”

• “Does this relationship make space for my values, or ask me to abandon them?”

Sometimes, these skills of discernment are very specific. You might become more attuned to when someone is genuinely taking responsibility versus simply apologizing to end a conversation. You might become more aware of when you are compromising in a way that feels mutual, or when you are making your voice quieter.

These distinctions can become resources and help us recognize experiences that align with the kind of relationships we want to participate in, while also giving us language for experiences that don't.

Importantly, our past relationships don't have to be "evidence" that we chose poorly or have certain "patterns." They can become sources of clarity about what matters to us, and what we hope to experience in the relationships ahead. What do we want to do with that information? Once we name some of our skills of discernment, this gives us back our agency to make choices moving forward about who we want to invite into our lives.

So, when you think about your relationship history:

• What have you become skilled at discerning?

• What do you now know you stand for?

• And how might you use these skills moving forward.

If you'd like to learn more about working together, I'd be happy to connect for a consultation, here you can learn more about individual therapy with me.