Why Am I Not Over It Yet? Breakups and Everything That Comes After

Breakups are rarely "clean." Often endings are "messy" where we go back and forth either with ourselves or our partner. And, we often don't just wake up one day and realize "I’m completely fine and over it." Instead, you land somewhere in the middle, a strange, untethered space where your old life is gone, but the new one hasn't quite started yet.

In a culture that constantly pressures us to move on quickly, get back on the dating scene, or find closure, being in a middle ground can feel really uncomfortable (especially if you've never been there before). We're taught to treat uncertainty like a problem that needs fixing right away and until we've "fixed" it, we're not ok.

In Michael White's work in Narrative Therapy, we call this middle ground liminal space (or, the threshold).

Instead of treating this period like a void you need to run away from, narrative practice views the threshold as a necessary place where real transformation actually happens.

What Actually Happens in the Threshold?

Michael White talked about how we move through big life shifts, or "migrations of identity" in three stages:

• Separation: Leaving behind the old identity (being a partner, the shared future, the daily routines).

• The Threshold (Liminality): The in-between phase where the old rules don't apply anymore, and you can feel a bit lost.

• Re-integration: Slowly stepping into a new chapter that actually feels like yours.

It's worth noting that we often go back and forth between these stages, and they can blur together, too.

When you're in that middle phase, it’s completely normal to feel disoriented, yet feeling unsure doesn't mean you’re failing or "getting stuck." It just means you’ve successfully stepped off the old path. More time in the liminal phase means progress, even if it doesn't feel as such, because you're choosing to not go back to the known and familiar (pre-separation, in the relationship.)

The Possibilities of the In-Between

It’s easy to treat this time like lost time, but some of the best personal clarity happens right here:

• Unpacking old expectations: You get to look at the scripts you were living by. Which values were actually yours, and what new identity are you wanting to step into? What new possibilities are available to you?

• Finding small pieces of yourself again: When a big relationship ends, forgotten parts of you get room to breathe: hobbies, preferences, or parts of you that were put on the back burner.

• Learning to trust your own timing: You practice listening to your own preferences.

Being Okay (and sometimes not ok) in the In-Between

If you're sitting in this threshold right now, what are you witnessing about yourself navigating it?

How are you carrying on with your life in the face of being in liminal space?

What are you learning about navigating uncertainty?

How might this threshold space be different if you were to view it as a prologue rather than an ending?

Navigating a Big Life Shift?

Going through a breakup or a major life transition can feel overwhelming, to say the very least.

I offer narrative, relationally-focused therapy online across California and in-person in Costa Mesa.

Click here to schedule a free 15-minute consultation to see how we can work together through your transition.

Email: ksuzanwilson@gmail.com

Phone: (657) 339-2672

Contact: Get in Touch with me Here!