Therapy for Women in Abusive Relationships: Asking Beautiful Questions in Unbeautiful Moments

Recently, my clinical supervisor, Dr. Chris Hoff, shared a quote with me that’s stayed close to my heart in my work with women navigating abusive relationships:

“The ability to ask beautiful questions, often, in very unbeautiful moments, is one of the great disciplines of a human life. And a beautiful question starts to shape your identity as much by asking it as it does by having it answered. You don’t have to do anything about it. You just have to keep asking, and before you know it, you will find yourself actually shaping a different life.” 

– David Whyte

This quote gets to the heart of what therapy for women in abusive relationships can offer: the space to ask meaningful, life-shaping questions, especially in moments that are painful, confusing, or dehumanizing. Asking a beautiful question doesn’t mean an immediate answer, it invites you into deeper reflection, into reclaiming your values, your voice, and your sense of direction.

When abuse or violence has been present, what’s often violated goes beyond physical safety, it cuts into a person’s dignity, agency, and the values they hold most dear. That’s why, in my practice, I center myself in Response-Based Practice (Allan Wade), which recognizes and honors the ways people respond to mistreatment, even when those responses aren't immediately visible.

Here are a few core principles I carry into my work:

1. Whenever people are treated badly, they always resist. Resistance might look like refusing to internalize a cruel comment, staying silent instead of arguing back, or carefully planning how to leave safely. No matter how subtle, people always oppose violence and control in some way or another.

2. Resistance is often invisible to others. Overt resistance, fighting back or speaking up, is the least common form because it can provoke more control and violence. Many victims resist in quiet, strategic, protective ways that aren’t always obvious to others or themselves at first glance.

3. There is no such thing as a passive victim. Even when a person appears compliant, they are not passively experiencing abuse. The idea of the "passive victim" minimizes the courageous acts people take every day to preserve dignity and survive.

4. Violence and abuse are always deliberate. Perpetrators choose when, how, and where to be abusive, and they often make plans to stop victims from resisting. For example, if a victim has tried to leave before, the abuser may hide car keys or take away their phone.

5. Perpetrators expect resistance and take steps to suppress it. This awareness reveals just how deliberate their actions are. The presence of controlling behavior shows that victims are resisting, and that perpetrators see their resistance as a threat.

Another area I pay close attention to with clients is whether their distress has been pathologized. For instance:

• Have you been diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder when your anger may actually be a valid response to years of being devalued or manipulated?

• Have you been diagnosed with Depression when your withdrawal has kept you safe?

Feminist researcher and practitioner Loretta Pederson (2024) writes:

“The rush to diagnose and categorize means that many women are having their experiences of distress in relation to injustice categorized as mental illness.”

In therapy, we won’t just explore how abuse has shaped your story, we’ll spend time uncovering the ways you’ve resisted, protected your dignity, and held on to what matters most to you. Together, we’ll ask beautiful questions about who you are, how you’ve survived, and what kind of life you want to shape from here.

Get in touch:

✨ Learn more about therapy for victims of abuse with Kelsey

📞 ‪(657) 339-2672‬

📧 ksuzanwilson@gmail.com